just breath, open your mouth and speak. you fight to say those last few words before, he slams the door and walks out. you feel helpless, but for some reason you are frozen to the ground, lips glued. you want to grab his hand and beg him to stay, but somewhere deep down you know he left long time ago.
he used to make love to you in a room filled with water lillies. he used to close his eyes and kiss you, and tell you he loved you. he used to make you melt just by the look from his dark brown eyes. its been months since he looked at you, he doesnt notice your slient pain, doesnt hear your cries. you been sleeping with shadow.
where did it go wrong, why did you give your heart to someone so cold. perfection was in his eyes, when you didnt fit the expectation he walked out, leaving you wounded, dead with someone living on the inside.
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so sexy
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i love their polish, i have all the spring collection that i got from the beauty show
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sexy shoes are my weakness
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thats a perfect ass
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voice within me
Lately I been staring into nothing. I am sitting on my bed thinking about the choices after choices that I keep failing. I been so caught of in myself that even life is mocking me. Its true what they say happiness tracks happiness. But I will be damn to say that I don’t have people who inspire me everyday.
I watch her move, with the storm following. She is a fighter. Blessed with unconditional love from innocence, lack of support from a companion. I watch her fight everyday. Fight to live, fight to breath, fight to learn. She is stronger then she knows, carries that weight of the world in her eyes. Lost in choices but she still manages to shine, she is my star, the one I call my best friend.
I was watching my mother the other day. I watch her sleep, the woman who gave birth to me. I take a moment to breath every time she doesn’t get me. I forget how young and lost she still is. My mother is a house somehow manages to stay strong. I see the sadness in her smile, how she feels that she has lost me. I watched her cry from seeing me so broken hearted. She raised a fighter, and someday I hope to tell her that how when I close my eyes, I feel her comfort.
They say little girls grows up to wanting to marry a man who can be half as good as their father. I used to be the apple of his eyes, the voice when he couldn’t speak. I have lost my spark. He cant even look at me now. He asks me what I do late at night. I told him I cry. I cry for not having the strength he gave me. I cry for his emptiness. I write cause I cant speak.
She changes her smile, toughens her skin, behind that confident there is someone who thinks. She thinks about her choices, tears flying she wants to scream. She is quiet as she breaths. Her tenseness drives him away, but still she dreams. Dreams about the joy of color, the twinkle In his eyes. She is an happy ending, seeing the stars on a cloudy night.
“Carousel of lies”
The cold feels heated. Running out of patience as they say. Head spinning, blood running, and fire turning. So little turned into so much. She takes another drag. Calm down woman, let the chill set in, the voice within says. Trying to break the invisible wall, weakening sanity. Lost in a frozen motion. Trapped between feelings. What is this nothingness? Pacing in a cage, she calls her own. Stubborn tears playing games. Memories solid in time, movement dancing to the rain. Rewind to the beginning.
Shanti’s hair falls straight down her shoulders, it radiates with light and it’s impossible to look away. She has grooming rituals that begin at six in the morning. She starts off shampooing, then blow drying, and ends up with ironing her beautiful long curls away, even so she looks astonishing. This particular morning, though, she must dress to kill. She wears her best pair of black jeans, low cleavage shirt, and her favorite pencil heeled shoes. She spends about twenty minutes in the mirror trying to arrange her hair.
The click, clack noise from her pencil heal shoes can be heard as she makes her way to her destination at the end of the hallway. To her eyes a tall, dark, and handsome loner, named Synn awaits her presence. She moves smoothly, exaggerating every movement she makes. Looking straight ahead, she almost ignores the fact that he follows her every curve and step with his eyes.
She comes to a sudden stop, with a hand on her hip, showing some attitude. “Hi Synn, can I speak to you?” she says. She hasn’t gotten over the fact that almost two months ago he broke up with her. He had a way with words; he even did it with a smile. Sometimes Shanti wonders what it is about him that gets her so emotional. Every time he is around her, she finds reasons to act foolish. She waits for him to say something, anything to make this pain go away, but he just stares at her. She wished she could read his eyes, see the pain, but what she doesn’t know is that he doesn’t feel anything.
Synn stares at her with his dark eyes, man she looks good today, but keeps his mouth shut. Synn wasn’t always this quiet. He wished he could tell her the truth, but Shanti’s innocence makes him regret everything. He can’t help how he feels, or the lack of emotions he has for her. No one told her to fall in love with him, she should have known better. It’s not that he hates her, but as a lover she wasn’t what he expected. There was no spark, there was so longing to be with her in his heart. It never felt right with her when they made love. She just doesn’t get it. He wanted to tell her all those things, but instead he said, “hi Shanti, how are you? You look beautiful like always”.
Shanti stares at him in disbelief. How could he pretend as if nothing happened? How could he walk around not feeling guilty? She let him in, made herself believe that he loved her. Every time she talks to him she gets confused, if he doesn’t want her, why does he keep coming back. What’s he hiding? He looks at her with longing, but moves away. He craves her, but shakes it off.
Synn looks away when he sees her face; he gets side tracked as he dozes off to the past. The first time he met Shanti, she had that forever lasting smile. Her eyes used to sparkle like the way the ocean does when the first ray of sunlight hits. She had the warmth of a new born all bundled up. He wonders if he loved her, or was it just the moment he was fascinated with. Synn snaps back to reality. There in front of him are those two eyes that have no color left in them.
“”I am fine, How are you?” Shanti says.
“I am good, so why are you so dressed up today? got a hot date?” Synn said.
“No, this is how I always dress”
“I know, you always look good, so are you free today? I want to go to that restaurant we always go to” Synn said.
“Why would it matter if i had a date anyway?”
“It doesn’t, i mean, whatever makes you happy, so you free?
“No actually, I am quite busy today” said Shanti.
“Oh ok, so what’s up? Did you come here for a chit chat, or is there something on your mind?
As Shanti stands there a feeling of annoyance begins to crawl up her back. Why do they keep going in circles?
“”I want to talk about the way you keep acting with me! Why do you keep acting like nothing ever happened, as if you didn’t just break my heart 2 months ago? Just stop, stop with the compliments, stop with the whole “I am a nice guy“act, ‘cause quite frankly you are not fooling anyone. I just want to let go of you, like the way you quit on us.” Shanti wants to run; she can’t do this all over again. Why is this boy breaking her heart all over again?
Synn sees tears in Shanti’s eyes, he wants to wipe them away, but he is frozen to the floor like a picture in a frame. He has to let her go; it’s not fair for her to wait around until he figures what’s more important him or her.
Shanti ran past the door, down the stairs, to her car. She was finally free, she should be happy, but here she was falling apart. Tears were pouring out of her eyes, no more veils to conceal them. She couldn’t breathe, she was hyperventilating. She cried for hours, until the sun went down. She looked out the window across the field; the sunset looked different today, as if the colors were painted with sadness.
Shanti stared out her window listening to the rain. The wind seems so violent. The bird outside her window, shivered in its nest. The whole town looks gloomy. Shanti poured herself a cup of coffee to warm herself up. On a day like this she wished she didn’t live alone. Shanti loved her new life in LA, but she missed the familiarity of being at home. Lately Shanti has been feeling restless, and the phone going off all day isn’t helping her. The caller from the unknown number won’t stop harassing her. She hated the LA telemarketer. They acted like such hipsters. Shanti grabbed a novel and was about to enjoy her cup of coffee, when the phone rang again. Annoyed, Shanti picked up the phone, wanting to give these LA people some New York attitude. “Hello! Can you assholes stop calling me, seriously take a day off and go jump off a bridge or something.” Shanti said. The person on the other line is silent. Shanti thought the line went dead, but she heard someone breathing hard. Shanti felt weird, she felt the sudden awareness in this unknown caller. She was about to hang up, when the stranger suddenly spoke. “Hello, ummm, is this Shanti?”
“Yes who is this, and why do you keep calling and hanging up?” said Shanti. The guy on the line cleared his throat and started to mumble. “Hey Shanti its Synn, remember me? Shanti sat down, her head was spinning. After all these years, his voice still made her weak in the knees. She smiled and picked up the phone again.
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